People in love make me want to vomit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
