this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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