You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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