A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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