i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
