My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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