The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
