I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
