Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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