I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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