then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
