frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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