Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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