listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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