She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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