my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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