also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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