i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
