it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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