I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize