I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
