You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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