I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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