Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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