I will die if light touches me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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