I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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