i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Panties = found
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
