Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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