I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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