So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
