My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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