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• (248): View more from Michigan

  i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both

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• (818): View more from California

  Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

  (818): View more from California

  Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

  (818): View more from California

  And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  Yes but- 100% agreed

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• (765): View more from Indiana

  well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.

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• (316): View more from Kansas

  I was tackling you out of excitement

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.

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• (940): View more from Texas

  This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him

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• (956): View more from Texas

  At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.

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