Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
