im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
