Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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