Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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