Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
