i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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