Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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