I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
