My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
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I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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