took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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