I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
