wanna go halves on a baby?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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