Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
