sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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