im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
