We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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