you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
