If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
