I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
