I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
