what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
