I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
