using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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