I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
